Rejection as a catalyst for personal growth

Written for Quora: Would a guy feel uncomfortable and flustered or embarrassed around someone he actually loved?

A regular love story. A guy falls in love with a girl. A girl doesn’t reciprocate and rejects him. Time goes by. How would this guy feel when he meets her again after the rejection?

Let me tell you a story.

I once fell in love with the girl. It was bad. She really got me. She was beautiful, intelligent, and witty. She was wild and free. She was a smoker, a drinker, and single. She was proud that she was audacious enough to fuck a guy in a club toilet after 30 minutes of talking. She didn’t want a committed relationship with a man. When I met her, I was lost. I wanted to spend my life with her. I thought I could change her if I stay with her. I wanted her to be mine. She wanted to stay free.

I left the country with a broken heart.

Two years I was relentless. I was working out, studying, meditating, dating, maturing in other relationships, understanding women, their psychology and various relationship dynamics. I became much more confident, mentally strong, and had a much better physique. I got smarter and more centered thanks to meditations.

After 2 years I came back to visit my family and friends. She was in the city.

When we met I could see it: she couldn’t believe her eyes. They were full of questions. What happened to him? How did a needy boy transform into a confident and sexy man? Why is he so present and calm? What happened to his ego?

Now everything turned upside down — she wanted me.

I could see the change in her too. 2 years of smoking, drinking, partying without regime along with hard work left the traces. She got older, gained a bit of weight, her vibe was not the same. Shallow relationships drained her energy, she wanted to find “the one” but couldn’t anymore because her habits were stronger than her, she never experienced the depth of the commitment.

I forgave her long time ago for not being what I expected her to be. It took much longer to forgive myself for being weak.

When we met I felt warmth towards her, after all, we were friends for quite a while. And also, I felt pity because back in the days she failed to see in me what I can become and now after two years her eyes were full of regrets. I looked inside my heart and there was no desire anymore. Emptiness. Nada. Zero. I became a different person.

So what are the things that define our behavior when we meet those who we once loved but got rejected by? We have to look at 3 factors:

  • The personality.
  • The time passed since the rejection
  • The actions that have been taken in order to heal the broken heart

The personality.

I was very dissatisfied with myself. I was rejected by the woman I loved and it hurt badly. Only after months, I was able to see that this rejection catalyzed the process of self-development.

All women that have rejected me contributed to who I am today without being aware of it. I used the pain of rejection, embraced it and transformed it into the fuel for personal growth.

I never thought that I want to make women who rejected me regret about their decision. I was rather focused on how not to let rejection happen again.

If you think about a man’s character, there is one quality that defines whether he is a winner or a loser — The Grit. The ability to get up when the life knocks you down — that’s the difference between success and failure.

The time passed.

Two years is a lot of time. Even within a year many things can change. However, they do not change by themselves. The most dramatic transformation can only happen if you are willing to work hard. Time matters only if you direct all your energy to heal your heart and elevate yourself to the next level.

The actions.

I was restless. I refused to remain the status quo. I was sick of myself and my weaknesses. I got tired of so many rejections in my life so I said to myself: “no more”.

To those people who doubted me I said: “watch me”. To those who rejected me I said: “I will surprise you next time we meet”. I worked hard in silence and what I became exceeded my own expectations. I burned myself to ashes and resurrected as a new being.

That new being was at the meeting.

Did I feel uncomfortable? No way.
Flustered? Embarrassed? Hell no.

For the most part, I felt indifferent.

That girl chose not to be a part of my life. Now she has to cope with the consequences of her decision. In some corners of my soul, I found that there was a little flavor of sadness lingering around. If she wouldn’t have rejected me that could be a whole different story.

At some point in my life thanks to Viktor Frankl and his works on logotherapy I’ve realized something:

The way you feel is a result of a choice.

No matter what kind of storm do you go through. Those are 3 ever-working principles — 3 questions really one should ask himself:

  • How do you define yourself? Who are you? Who do you want to be?
  • Do you understand that some processes take time? You can’t get a child in a month if you make 9 women pregnant. Transformation takes time.
  • What are you willing to sacrifice in order to get where you want to be?Are you willing to seek discomfort deliberately?

Find answers to these questions and they will help you in your journey.

Take a good care of yourself. Do well.

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